Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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