Betty ford says i'm here all night
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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