Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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