i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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