You can't motorboat a personality
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
