No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
