Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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