Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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