dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
