I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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