I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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