why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
