yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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