Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
NoShamevember. You game?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
