the condom got lost in my hair
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
