i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
