I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
