Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
foreskin is a definite game changer
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
