Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
