After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize