would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
