so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Help. Why am I so naked?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize