The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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