We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
