Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
