I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize