I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
