why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
