I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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