I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
