I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize