Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
