Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
