if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
