I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
