I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize