uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
