cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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