I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
