someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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