It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
