I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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