Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
