is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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