I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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