Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
