That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
