My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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