my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
