In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
