I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
