I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
