Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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